Tag Archive | Toxic Thinking

Raw & Real #1 – Toxic Turmoil

Jan27

Toxic Turmoil

In → a post last week I told about a meeting I went to.

My mind kind of went into the way back machine and began to remember where I began, and some of the steps that I had to take to grow out of what I call “The trauma and the drama”.

Way back in the beginning, let’s just say that it could be known as “Toxic turmoil”.

The Encarta Dictionary defines toxic as relating to or containing poison or toxin, causing serious harm or death and turmoil as a state of great confusion, or disturbance.

I remember as a tiny little girl, spending a lot of time alone.

I never thought about it much.

Though I do not remember in detail what those pre-school days involved, I know that it didn’t seem strange, this playing alone.

It is just the way it was; dancing in circles in my room.

I was content.

I remember that dad was always away at work.

He drove a delivery truck for a regional store.

When he came home, sometimes he would bring home trinkets to play with.

Now when it was time for kindergarten, I was so excited.

It was time for adventure, as I got to walk ALL THE WAY to the school.

Mom had taught me many things that the children at school didn’t know yet.

So, it was fun.

I was smart.

And fidgety.

I already knew what was being taught to the other kids.

What I didn’t have in my repertoire, were social skills.

This brought on no small amount of problems in my life away from my home.

The exciting new beginning, turned into exciting new habits.

Habits that followed me throughout my young lifetime.

Habits of wandering, and interrupting, and day dreaming.

Not only in my mind, but physically and verbally as well.

Back in the day, teachers did not teach according to a student’s skill set. 

It was strictly reading, writing, and arithmetic.

All students were expected to stay seated, and stay on task.

Learning styles were not taken into account as they are now.

Kids like me were labeled “Trouble”, regardless if our intent was to be difficult or not.

Attachment of these labels followed all through the educational years.

In →Psychology Today, I read an article that pretty well explains some of the behaviors kids may show.

They aren’t really being naughty, they are simply learning the way they learn.

One may note that even though teaching styles have changed, we still inflict labels on our kids.

Labels that follow them throughout their life.

They help to dictate who they may become.

To be sure, some of these labels are based in truth.

While others are given and never followed up on.

This post isn’t really about teaching.

It is a post that can show the reasons why sometimes we are the way we are.

Scripture, the Holy Bible, says that “words are spirit, and they are life”.

I believe we can speak things into existence.

That topic is for another time.

But if we keep speaking rotten things over our lives and our kids that is what they will become.

That little Debbie girl, she was trouble.

A phrase I heard on the daily.

Enough said about that.

Now on to the home life, early on it was turmoil.

When school began, other things began as well.

I enjoyed playing alone, but like any kid, I wanted to have some friends too.

Since my social skills were lacking, so were my friends.

The kids that I played with from the neighborhood were the ones, who like me, were lacking in social skills.

They were boys, so of course I learned to play like a boy; rough and tumble, and aggressive.

This didn’t make the little girls at school want to play with me.

These boys also had older siblings, who took advantage, mentally, physically and psychologically, of any one smaller than them.

My introduction to “real life” was early.

Although I did not have a name for it, shame became something that I wore like a coat.

It would be years before I could know the ramifications of these events, or the price I would need to consider for my freedom.

It all sounds so melodramatic when I place it all here on the page, but it is only the beginning of a pretty rough road.

“Raw and Real” is where we began.

Freedom is our destination.

Step by step, we will arrive.

Until next time …  

Well Adjusted?

Aug21

I’ve been reading, watching and hearing a lot lately about people who LOOK OK, but in reality, they are really undone on the inside.

In the age we live in, if you have a sickness or condition that can be SEEN; say poison ivy, a broken arm, or even the need for glasses or a hearing aid, there is all the sympathy in the world.

If you have a sickness or condition that is hidden from the eyes of others; say depression, chronic fatigue, traumatic brain injury, or some other form of mental issue, people my judge you in a way in which to say “Suck it up!’, or “Just get over it!”.

If you are mostly quiet, there MUST be something wrong.

If you are loud and boisterous, you must be OK.

Neither is correct.

The hidden condition is the one I speak of today.

This post will be brief, and hopefully helpful.

Volumes can and have been written on the topic, but not by me.

This is what is on my heart today.

  • Many of us have become very accustomed to covering our inner turmoil up, by ignoring it or otherwise somehow making ourselves look all kinds of normal to the general public.

“In short bursts, one can create the illusion of virtually anything.”

Mike Rowe on being well adjusted


  • Some do choose to ignore it completely.

They seem to have bought the lie that those things will never be better for them, that healing is just a pipe dream and that it would be better to suffer alone and silently until their days are done.

  • Still others, myself included, seem to be able to keep plodding through the malaise, and eventually come up with an answer.

I call this my “Junk yard dog” philosophy.

Tenacious until I get what I need.

My personal decision was that what God told me in His word was either true, or it was a lie.

God is not man, that he should lie, or a son of man, that he should change his mind. Has he said, and will he not do it? Or has he spoken, and will he not fulfill it? Numbers 23:19 (ESV)

I chose to believe that He always tells the truth, and wants what is best for me.

His word never does say that I won’t be sick – the kind of sick people can see, or the kind of sick they cannot see.

No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper Isaiah 54:17a (ASV)

(He did not say that weapons would not be formed, He said they would not prosper.)

What He did say was that He would always be by my side.

… for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5c (ESV)

He never even said that everyone would understand!

Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand. Proverbs 19:21 (ESV)

A friend of mine used these words to describe his journey;

“I just kept playing Bible roulette. (Every day) Little bits and pieces. (Of the Word)     Enough to keep me going until I could breathe again.”

Terry Simester


The Spirit of God has made me, and the breath of the Almighty gives me life. Job 33:4 (ESV)

Can you resonate with these ideas?

Are you tired of holding on to the illusion you’ve created?

Have you become exhausted of it yet?

Do you just want to breathe again?

Will you let your “Junk yard dog” take over until you get what you need?

And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9 (ESV)

I hope you’ll avail yourself of the Bible verses mentioned in this post, and that you find them helpful to you in getting you along farther on your journey.

See you next time.

And remember always; You are

Fearfully and wonderfully made.

ADD and Quietude

Jun24

Can they survive together?

This topic is huge. So huge in fact, in order to understand it totally, one would have to research and study a good long time to begin to see all of the nuances.

Let me be clear; I am no expert. I am no professional.

What I am, is an adult female who was diagnosed in adulthood with adult onset ADD.

“I thought I Was Stupid” is a really good article on the struggle of women with ADD/ADHD.

And growing up, I DID think I was stupid, when the truth was quite the opposite. I would finish my work early, then wander around the room and disturb those who were still working.

I never learned to study, so what happened was that at that very early age, when the neuron pathways were still being connected, without proper focus, I was self teaching my mind to wander.

Those connections were being made, but not exactly correctly.

This is not to say that everyone begins the same way. There are so many different scenarios that could happen. I simply believe that this is how it began with me.

Back in the day, no one was talking about this. The research just wasn’t there. We didn’t give little Johnny, or little Debbie extra work to do.

We did not guide them in the direction of their gifting. We did not “Play to their strength.”

We told them to sit down, sit still, behave, be quiet or write 500 times on the chalk board “I will stay in my seat during class.” Stop being a brat.

Consequently, at least in my case, my brain went everywhere, like monkeys in a tree, or a fart in a skillet. Everywhere except where it was supposed to be.

I would doodle. I would hum. I would whistle. I would tap my feet.

What a stupid thing – to not be able to focus. There must be something terribly wrong with me.

This is turning into a lot of words, but I need you to understand what was going on, not for me, but for yourself!

Some boys my age were diagnosed with ADD, rarely, but girls? Almost never.

“At the end of the day, if you’re just dealing with ADD, that’s great,” Solden said. “But most women—because they weren’t diagnosed as children, because they didn’t have hyperactivity or were smart—grew up absorbing a lot of wounds and shame. These women are often twice exceptional. They have incredible strengths and are really smart and creative, but they have these struggles that nobody understands, including them.” Sari Solden

Read – They had to work twice as hard!

Please read HERE for more on ADD/ADHD.

So began my obsession with Quietude – Quiescence – Quiet.

Like I said, I was diagnosed as an adult.

Here is my back story, at least in part.

Finding the doctor that I found was simply a miracle. All others before her told me I was depressed. Told me I was anxious. Told me I was something. You’ll get over it. Well I’d spent my entire life this way, so I probably was not going to just get over it.

She wanted to do a different kind of test. One for adult onset ADD.

I took a very long test followed by some in depth counseling with her, and the findings were conclusive.

This indeed was my issue; Mild enough to not be dangerous, but strong enough to keep things from settling in my brain. I did correct her about the “adult onset” part. She agreed I was most likely right.

She prescribed a low dose, medication that worked by “improving the way parts of the brain communicate with each other.”

Enter Quiet Time!

Over some time, a year or so, I saw much improvement.

I was able to actually train myself to sit quietly in my chair by the window, and calm my thoughts, and actually follow through on finding what God had in store for my life.

My doctor and I decided that since the medication had showed me how it felt to string two thoughts together, what calm(er) felt like and what it felt like to focus, perhaps I could wean off of the medication.

I did so successfully.

I had made some Quiet time rituals. I follow them to this day;

  • Same time every day
  • “Do Not Disturb” settings on all devices
  • Bible or other devotional type book
  • Quiet music or silence
  • Journal/note pad for catching random thoughts
  • Strict determination to make it work
  • Some days it is just quiet. No music. No book. No paper. Just quiet.

To close, I would like to say that EVERY day may not be successful, but I can tell you that when I began the art of “Quietude” ANY day that there was a space for quiet was a success!

Nowadays, I do have to keep track of things closely.

I still forget sometimes that “Quiet” is what I need.

On those days, like I’ve said here on this blog before – two minutes – six minutes -ten – Whatever I can do to make it work.

Introvert, Extrovert – Does not matter. Every one can benefit from a few minutes of quietness in their day.

I must tell you, YOU can overcome the issues keeping you from a quiet space.

The effort that you pour into this endevour will pay you back a thousand times over.

Because of this prolonged practice, I believe that moments that SHOULD stress me out, don’t. I believe it’s because of accumulated Quiet time.

Thanks for reading.

See you next time!