Just a little moment of quiet.
It’s really good self care.
Just a little moment of quiet.
It’s really good self care.
In the church I grew up in, and in all churches, military, businesses, families etc, there is a hierarchy.
There is always the boss, followed closely by an assistant. There are scribes, and treasurers, and event planners.
Churches have Pastors, Assistant Pastors, Executive Pastors, Teaching Pastors, along with secretaries, treasurers and then Deacon Boards.
All of that being said, one must know that if you are to hold one of those positions, you have proven yourself to be trustworthy and upstanding, as a child might even think; Holy.
After church service, there was a Sunday school class. Adults went to a different part of the building than the kids. I can still see it in my mind, all the people passing in the hall to go to their respective classes.
There, going the opposite direction as me, was a deacon who locked his eyes on me. I was around 12 or so, so I just thought he was being friendly. Each week, as we passed in the hallway, he would lock eyes on me and began to walk a little closer. I had no vocabulary for it, but I knew it felt weird. It felt scary, even creepy. He then proceeded to touch me where he shouldn’t. Every time a bit more aggressively.
My stomach would roil, and my heart would threaten to come out of my throat when I saw him coming. I knew he was a deacon. Someone the other adults looked up to and even trusted. Who would believe the words of this child, who in her wrongness didn’t fit in anywhere?
I never told a soul. Several months and several incidents passed. I made up some story about not wanting to go to class any more, even though I really did want to.
So I wasn’t in the hallway anymore, the terror and the feeling of even more wrongness stayed with me. I will always wonder if I was the only one. Statistically speaking, there were probably many more..
That was “Back in the day”, when secret things were secret things. The problem with secret things is that they tend to tarnish their container. I was tarnished, through no fault of my own, but acted out tarnished for the next several years.
Until much, much later I found out a few things; it was not my fault, God did not see me as faulty, people are people, whether they be in high places or low, even little girls and boys should talk about any secrets that adults make happen, that make them feel awful and anxious and scared.
In a previous post, The Cartography of Our Scars I addressed the fact that our scars, our landscape, makes us who we are.
Sure, I can wish it never happened, but it did, and so much more. But now I have only to use that rutted road to hold on to someone else’s hand, to help them find the way out.
Remember when that woman I barely knew said it wasn’t my fault?
The truth that she spoke to me set me on the twisty road to freedom.
There was one thing I heard clearer than anything else during those early morning church services.
Thou shalt not.
I heard the words the Pastor was reading from the Holy Bible kept on the pulpit. I heard the Thou shalt nots, and that the payment for sin is death. I believed those words.
I still do. But he was telling me the thou shalt nots, without a word about how not to. Basically, he was telling me what to think, without teaching me how to think. What I never heard was just how to not do the Thou shalt nots, or how to receive forgiveness for my ill doing.
Surely, God didn’t punish little girls with the death penalty, right? But how could I know? Since they never told me (or I never heard) I only knew for sure that I was a wrong-doer.
I heard the words God so loved the world, but to me they were overshadowed by all of my wrongness. How could He love someone who was just so wrong?
Fast forward again, to when I was that young mother, going to that different church with my children, without their daddy.
It was there that I began to understand my Father’s (God’s) love for me. How it extended much farther than I could have ever believed.
The story of my earthly father is for another day. Suffice to say that our relationship made it very difficult for me to understand that “love” could be any other way.
John 1:12 (ESV) but to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God. All God wanted was for me to receive Him.
The wrongness of my childhood was nothing in His eyes. It only mattered that I look to Him for guidance.
The choice was mine. Wait. I get to choose? I had never even known that there were options. My wrongness, just was. It was what it was.
I had an encounter with a woman at this time, which I barely knew.
Here is what she said;
“When I see you, I see a chalkboard. This chalkboard says that 2 + 2 = 5. No matter what you do, or how many times you erase it, you cannot get the answer to come out correctly.”
What she told me next, totally floored me.
“God wants you to know that it wasn’t your fault.”
What? I knew at that moment that all my wrongness, was not my fault, I just had not been given all the facts.
On that day I received three things; Freedom from wrongness, choices, and a Father who loved me regardless.
It was then I realized that I would be in a totally different “classroom” being taught in a way that I could learn.
Oh what a glorious day!
When I was growing up, we always attended one of the Lutheran churches in town.
Now I have no problem with the Lutheran church, per se. There are different kinds of people with different preferences, I get that.
But as a small child, I only knew that I would be required to sit, for an hour, and not talk. If I could not maintain stillness, I was sure to receive a painful pinch on the shoulder, or an elbow in my side. Even as an adult this sitting “still” is difficult for me. I can always sit, just not still, and I get to choose whether I speak or not.
Back in the day, every one really dressed up for church, but there was nothing finer than attending on a cool Easter morning, men in their suits and women and girls in all their finery. Springy dresses, bonnets, white gloves and the ever present white patent leather shoes.
None of which we had.
We wore the cleanest, not worn out clothing that we owned. I could feel the heat of the stares on my back as we walked up the aisle to our seats. It always seemed that we were less than, imperfect, those without.
Our dad never attended, even on those special days of Christmas or Easter. Often we would be dropped off, and picked up later. His absence was yet another thing that was my fault. My little mind imagined that in my wrongness.
I was often wrong at home. Every day I was wrong at school. Now here at the one place I should be right, I was wrong as well.
My hair was wrong, my clothes were wrong, our family minus our dad was wrong. Every church service simply proved more to me about my wrongness.
Fast forward, to when I was a young mother, going to a different church with my children, but not with my husband, where I felt the same burning heat on my back as we entered into a room with all the “perfect” people, all the “perfect” families all sitting perfectly still, in “perfect” little rows.
What on earth was wrong with me?
Was there anywhere I (and now my children) could fit in?
If you don’t know what 5 for 5 Brain Dump is, Here to find out more.
We began to explore what blocks us. (Click the link above if you would like to join us!)
The prompt for the day was; My Block is Made Up Of …..
Here, in unedited, free flow writing is what I wrote.
There is so much more that could be said here.
But it’s 5 minutes right?
I’ll have to return to this prompt again.
I hope you found it helpful.
I’m part of a live-streaming group called the PeriGirls. (Shameless plug) They are a tribe of over 10,00 women live streamers. I have learned SO MUCH from these women! They have activities for absolutely anything and every thing you could be interested in.
If you don’t know them you can Go Here to find out more.
OK. Back to the A-Ha moment.
The other day, the topic of discussion for the PeriGirls was to talk about an Epiphany or A-Ha moment you have had. It was so interesting to hear other women’s stories, told in their own words.
My Epiphany or A-Ha moment came a couple of days later, and that’s what I want to tell you about.
I was watching a movie with my husband. The scene took place in a news room. A pre- cell phone news room. There were phones ringing, and ringing, and ringing. Everywhere.
A thought crossed my mind about schools. The school system. The schools I went to back in the day.
School, the place itself, the place they MAKE children go to, are by their very nature, very loud, busy, crazy noisy and chaotic.
All that noise without stopping, did the same thing to me then that it does to me now. It gives me brain fog, and makes me want to hide. The difference is that back then, I had no recourse. There was no fix. I had no idea how to make it stop, nor did I even know that something needed fixed. It’s just the way it was.
Nowadays, there are some schools of thought that say we need to teach children in the way that they are wired. That we teach to their strengths. These children feel needed, nurtured, accepted and loved.
These children, are taught that they are amazing just the way they are. They are taught that different is not bad, it’s just different. The square peg does not have to fit in the round hole, nor should we make it try to.
Thirteen years of schooling, old school style, took up until my mid fifties to untangle.
I AM fearfully and wonderfully made. I no longer need to hide. I AM made in the very image of God. God does not make junk, nor does He make mistakes. He wired me how He wanted be to be wired. He knew my days before I had even one of them.
He knows you that way too – Ponder that for a while!
I thought I would write today. Today at this moment. I thought I would write. I thought I would blog. I thought I would write. I thought I would blog. Not sure about what, but today, I did both.
I read a friends post today that was about wanting to write. But not sure what people would think.
Lately, I say I don’t really care what people think. The truth of the matter is that I do care. We all care. The trick is to go on ahead and do our thing anyway.
2017 brought me to many friends that I’ve never met in person. Since I’ve never met them in person, I can’t read their body language, so my brain tells me all sorts of stuff.
“They don’t really like you… They tolerate you… What else can they do?”
I’ve had these conversations with myself before about my “Real” friends. Those fears have been successfully conquered.
There is no real difference is there?
“Get over yourself…. Stop being a pest…Who do you think you are?”
The old soundtrack plays yet one more time.
Here is where I settled, for today at least.
I’ll speak my truth. People can deal with me, or not. It’s their choice.
My people, real or online, will love me just the same.