Tag Archive | Excavate

Raw and Real #8 – Too Much Process

Last time we talked about excavation.

Excavation and processing whatever we happen to find in our past.

I shared with you how in my excavation, I found much heart ache, most of it inflicted by others, but a goodly part of it, inflicted by my very own thoughts and behaviors.

I believe that the way I was wired, the fact that I didn’t mind being alone, probably saved me from even bigger problems.

I fully believe that God was there for me, hating what was happening, but allowing it for a reason, and protecting my heart of hearts.

That reason was to be of help to someone else at a later time.

It may even be you.

I was not without pain, in fact the internal pain was immense, but I always had a sense of “something”, God? being nearby, even though I was not yet aware of His name.

As an adult, I so appreciate that protection, and the fact that I have been able to “be renewed in the spirit of my mind” (Ephesians 4:23), it is a different kind of peace.

Peace without the weight of the past.

 As my mind was being renewed, I learned to be at deep peace while I was alone.

 In John 14:27 it says “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.”

So now, here we get to the “Over processing” part.

I began not just enjoying my alone time, but now I had the ability to indulge myself in it.

I enjoyed it so much that I began to demand it in every part of my life.

I chose always to stay home.

I chose not to be around others, unless I absolutely had to, because you know, people are messy.

I had reached a point in the process where I was;

Just. So. Content.

This was fine for a time.

A good long time actually.

But there is a →down side to quiet.←(Read more here)

 I then began to feel a heaviness, the very thing I had worked so hard to get rid of!

So I ended up praying and asking God how to fix it.

He reminded me of something that Brene’ Brown said “We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.”

What I learned here was the fact that just because I worked on my emotions, and had them under control, does not mean I never have to do it again.

It is very important to feel the bad as well as the good.

So did I have to do some more “inside work” to do?

Another thing I remembered hearing was that; even good things can become destructive when carried to the extreme.

These ideas being brought back to my memory, made me realize that in all of my quiet “processing”, I was making myself deaf to all of the other voices that I could be learning from.

I was hearing “God’s voice”, but many times God’s voice sounds just like mine.

So I had to be really sure I knew what He’s was thinking!

If I am getting input from like minded individuals, or even from those I disagree with, I can have the ability to think and compare.

Critical thinking gets dulled when you’re always alone.

Big changes were on the horizon.

It was slow and steady, but I began to allow some people around me back into my life.

Did I mention it was SLOW?

Very slow, and very thoughtful.

I began allowing people back into my circle.

They did not even necessarily agree with my world view, but they did have open minds, and listening ears, and I might add, positive attitudes, with a willingness to learn.

We have taught each other so much.

I said all that, to say this;

Process well.

Process as long as you need to, but be aware when it is time to venture back out again.

You can always come back to your →cave to rest.← (read more here )

The Garden Tomb

Join me next time for Raw and Real #9 -Write. 

Until then….

Raw and Real #5 – Little Girl

Little Girl – 6 months – 6 weeks

I often refer to this part of my life as an “Excavation”.

I had no idea that the endeavor I was beginning would take as long as it did; or dig as deep.

I had worked on my “issues” for a long time.

I’d remembered, and forgiven, and moved on.

I was unaware that there was a lot of residual ickyness left over.

(In the form of grief, and fear, sadness, and more)

Then, while chatting with a friend, who had taken some courses in psychology and such, recommended one of her study books to me;

The Ultimate Journey – Phase 1 (book and workbook) I did not need to buy them because I could borrow hers. 

 My intent was to borrow the book, read it, and have it back to her in a couple of weeks.

The excavation that I thought would be with a teaspoon, and take a month, ended up being undertaken with a massive “digger-thing”,

(My husband tells me it’s a back hoe)

and would stretch out over almost a six month period.

The work involved answering many, many questions on different things from each “era” of life;

Pre-born, pre-school, grade school, middle school, high school, early adult.

I cannot possibly tell you every step.

What I can tell you that once I began, I literally could not stop.

It was a long, arduous, painful journey; but in the end, it brought LIFE.

The two parts, I think, that brought me farthest out of darkness into the light were these;

*The first thing was to go through a prepared list of beliefs that you hold about yourself.

If you agreed with any of them, you would check them off.

This was followed by a prepared list of ways that those beliefs might cause you to behave,

again checking them off along the way if they applied to you.

Can I tell you that they were questions that I NEVER would have dreamed up on my own, and I think that’s why they were so helpful.

I saw things in my life that I didn’t realize were even there.

I recognized behaviors, I never knew I had, but once recognized, they all made sense.

It took a significant amount of time to work through

Each. One.

Significant quiet time, with many tears.

Often with the ugly cry thrown in for good measure.

*The second thing was perhaps the most difficult for me.

It felt strange to do it, but after I did, there was so much release in my spirit that I felt like a different person.

If I did not believe this scripture;

Ephesians 4:23 (ESV) And to be renewed in the spirit of your minds;

I would have gone no further.

Because I do not believe God tells us to do things that though Him are not possible.

Here is what was next;

The study guided me to go back.

Go back to the little girl that I used to be, beginning BEFORE birth.

I know, I know.

But if I had not done it myself, I might not have believed it either.

Stay with me here.

I just re-read my work, the sadness was overwhelming.

(I kept the questions and answers in a journal because I would have to return the books eventually)

I was instructed to write a letter from her, to me; then answer her back.

Each “era” had the same exercise.

Through these letters, I was able to “take her hand”, and walk with her out of the darkness of all the misunderstandings that kept her trapped for all those years.

Scripture tells me in John 8:36 (ESV) If the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed, and in John 8:32 (ESV) you will know the truth, and the truth will set you that free.”

In my mind and in my heart, I told her the truth, and she is free.

Truly, the hurts that used to take six years to get over,

changed from that to six months, then to six days.

Now today, if I hold a hurt more than six hours it’s too long.

Depending on the hurt, I’ve been known to get over it in less than six minutes.

It is not always easy, but it is always intentional.

There is no way that I could cover this topic in full, but I wanted you to realize the possibilities of being truly free of the things holding you in your past.

For me it was two things that keep me moving forward,

my belief in God’s word,

and the tenacity and intentionality that is kept in this introverted heart of mine.

I hope you’ll join me here next time, while we look at

Identity. Until then …