Tag Archive | Drama

Raw and Real #4 – Introvert

Many people, most in fact, have a misconception of what that is, as did I.

 I think that the definition of the word introvert has changed over the years, due to more study on the personality traits, types, and temperaments of people.

Introvert, Dear posted a really nice article → Introvert, Dear – This is for all the quiet ones.  if you care to read in depth on this misconception.

Here is the quick definition from that article;

“The definition of an introvert is someone who prefers calm, minimally stimulating environments. Introverts tend to feel drained after socializing and regain their energy by spending time alone. This is largely because introverts’ brains respond to dopamine differently than extroverts’ brains. In other words, if you’re an introvert, you were likely born that way.”

In this post, I spoke about spending a lot of time alone.

That was never really a problem until I started school, and was “required” to work and play well with others.

As I grew through the elementary school years, and on into the upper grades, this became a real problem.

My lack of social skills, and inappropriate responses to others, either drove them away, or caused them to bully me.

Unfortunately, the second thing, bullying, was the one most of them chose.

Here is a post from 9.5.2011 that describes my life at that time. →Sticks and Stones.

With this “Cycle” that followed through to my adulthood, I was the one deemed “Trouble”.

I was the one who would have to learn to deal with it, or watch it repeated in my children.

I spent many years as a new mom, attending church.

Church where I perceived all the “Perfect” little moms, and their “Perfect” little families, all seated in “Perfect” little rows.

While I sat “Perfectly” alone in the pew with my children. (I had no idea that those peoples little lives were just as “Perfect” as mine was!)

Contrary to what you might think, although I did feel lonely at times, and although there were difficult days, being wired as an introvert, it was not difficult for me to keep going.

This led me to my own private search for the truth about myself.

What I learned here over the course of several years, was that it all began with God;

The One who created me.

The One who loved me.

The One who was watching over me, even when I could not see Him.

That time was used to learn just what the Word of God said; about me, about God, about my past; and about my future!

God provided me with a little gem, a little jewel.

This treasure was a little book, that started me on a new path of thinking.

A beauty of a book called →Thin Places – a memoir by Mary E. DeMuth

She helped me to see and discover the ways that God was with me for my entire life.

He was aware of my “Trauma and drama”, and He wanted to use it for good.

He even wanted to use my “Trouble” to help others through the fogginess of their past.

Her words, mixed with His, flowed over me like warm honey, and soothed my soul.

This book was the first in a line of books that I “Discovered”, that changed the way I viewed myself. (A list follows)

These books caused me to understand how I am wired, and why it was vitally important that I stop longing to be like someone else.

Once I found out HOW I was wired, then I could determine what was really normal for me, and then I could begin to appreciate who I really was.

If you click on any of the links below, you will be taken to a post on my blog, posted especially for that book.

This list is long, and seems impending.

Understand that I began this excavation of my life a long time ago.

Everyone has their own speed, but if you are serious about figuring yourself out, and making the most of your life story – it’s a really good place to begin.

Next time I’ll be talking about the Little girl. 6 weeks – 6 months.

I hope you’ll be able to join me.

Until then …

Raw and Real #3 – Lament

As a noun, lament is described as a passionate expression of grief or sorrow.

As a verb, it is to express regret, or disappointment over something considered unsatisfactory, unreasonable, or unfair.

Looking back on my life, I see many choices that a child would have no control over. 

Where I lived, who my neighbors were, where I went to school, where my parents worked, and how much time we had together.

These things are true for absolutely everyone.

They are neither fair, nor unfair; they just are.

Then there are the unfair things.

Actions and deeds thrust on me that should never have been.

Things done by others that set my life on a course that I had no choice in.

These things caused my responses to everything else in my life to be off kilter.

Let’s face it, when you are that young, you still learning how to act properly.

This is the time of life that you are learning about yourself, your world, and how things work.

Your learning style is being developed.

Add in the actions of unprincipled people, and it confuses things even more.

The title of this post is “Lament”.

As a teenager growing into an adult, I knew that my life wasn’t right.

But it was much, much later, after the passing of my mother, that I even COULD lament or mourn.

It was during this time, that I learned that grieving was not only for loved ones or pets who had died, but for DREAMS that had died.

In my case, MY CHILDHOOD had died.

Well, it was really wrenched away from me, but in reality, it was a death.

It was a death of what my life could have been, should have been, and might have been.

It carried with it the exact same effects that plaque those who might suffer from PTSD.

It had caused my behaviors to be well out of the norm for that time.

I am quite certain that if today’s meds had been available, I would have been medicated to oblivion.

Instead, I was placed in the naughty, troubled category.

And except for the abusive episodes, (remember this was a cycle my entire growing up life) was pretty much left alone, or worse, harassed by my school mates.

Those words of theirs cut deep, and although healed now, caused exceedingly great trauma to my heart.

I did however finally, as an adult, learn that grieving is needed and that →lament can be healthy says Psychology Today.

“Lamentation, then, is about release, about letting the painful emotions flow: fear, doubt, bewilderment, anger, shame and guilt, perhaps, as well as sadness. It can be silent, but the release of energy is often accompanied by noises – the sounds of crying, shouting, sobbing, keening, sighing, whimpering – and the fall of tears, even the streaming of mucus. We have come to think of such powerful expressions of grief as ugly, and therefore seek to avoid them; to avoid even seeing them, much less grieving like this ourselves; but this is in ignorance of the resulting serenity of final acceptance when we eventually assimilate our losses and are ready again to engage with life anew and move forward. Without lamentation, without the emotional healing process advancing towards resolution, this cannot happen; in which case, misery can only persist.”

“Lamentation, then, is essential to psychological health, and is often the main pathway to personal growth, to greater equanimity, compassion and wisdom. Although painful, it is altogether natural, and a good thing.”

I share all of this with you to say this –

If you have had cycles of abuse, fear, distrust, or just plain naughty social behavior due to that abuse –

Take some down time to do the inside work.

Determine that which was stolen from you, and grieve its loss.

Mourn it for real.

Lament the unfairness of it all!

Then move on.

The symptoms of your grief may show on the outside through your behaviors.

But the work on your grief is an inside job.

In my next post, I’ll cover finding out who you really are, so that you can proceed through your healing process.

Until then …

Raw and Real #2 – Quiet (PJs)

My new series Raw and Real is just beginning.

My hope is that as you see some of my struggles, you will see yourself somewhere, and find help and strength in these words.

To begin at the beginning, you can click →here.

In #1, you read that I wore shame “like a coat”.

It is important to know the difference between guilt and shame.

Here is the definition given by →Psychology Today.

Guilt: a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.

Shame: the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another.”

Did you inflict the pain?

Or did someone else’s actions inflict the pain?

Even though I was very young, and naive, just a child, somewhere on the inside, I knew something was not as it should be.

Not having the knowledge or capacity to figure out what these feelings meant;

they were buried deep in the “That’s just the way it is” category.

Somehow, I didn’t even wonder if others had the same things going on in their lives.

It was assumed that they did.

That category grew larger and larger over the years of my life.

Finally after many years of repetition of the same types of “trauma and drama”, I did begin to realize that something was wrong;

not just wrong, but VERY wrong.

I began to realize that the events in my life seemed to follow a cycle.

It was of course, not the same people that were there at the beginning, but the victimization was the same;

the same in that it was victimization, but quite different in size and scope.

Advantages taken mentally and physically were more inclined to take away any ability I may have had to remove myself from the fray.

However another difference was that I was able to see the high likelihood, that not everyone I knew bore the same issues.

After countless relationships with varying amounts of “trauma and drama”, I miraculously was introduced to the man who would become my husband.

We had a small family that although not always completely high functioning, worked well, and we learned how to live together, and to power through our troubles, and lead a pretty normal and well balanced life. 

(Our “kind of crazy” has been alive and well for 43 years!)

In 2001, there was of course what we Americans refer to as 9/11.

There was so much trauma; so much to absorb, so much to process.

And then, as if that were not enough, on 9/17 that my mom was diagnosed with endometrial cancer.

Treatment and care began immediately.

Her time was short, but intense.

She passed away in my living room, with her family all present, just days before Thanksgiving.

The reason this is important to the story of this post has to do with the idea of process.

While I was caring for her, I felt strong.

I felt like I could do what needed to be done.

Even after her passing, I still felt strong.

I still felt like I could do what needed to be done.

I was not looking ahead to, or even aware of, what was about to hit me.

I refer to what comes next as the →Cave Days.

There had been no time to process 9/11, much less 9/17.

I was not prepared for the loss of energy, the loss of strength, the loss of enjoying anything I had enjoyed before.

Between the mental pain, the physical pain that was radiating through my body, and the brain fog;

it took several doctors, and several “might be” diagnosis and treatments to find the problem.

During that time, I spent hours, days, weeks, and years at home, in my PJs, not moving or thinking;

barely breathing.   

It took me nearly four years to even LOOK at the items in my house that belonged to my mom.

As it says in the →Cave Days post – caves can be places of burial, or places to rest and regain strength.

It was a choice that had to be made.  

But how?

I hope you’ll come back on Friday for Friday Favorites.

Then again on Monday, so we can explore “But how?” question together.

Until then …

Friday Favorites – Romantic Movies

As I was considering what to use for this week’s Friday Favorites, a grandchild asked what our favorite movies were.

Before I could answer, my husband named off a few of mine.

Jumped right in there and named MY movies.

He was pretty correct.

I did realize that some of my top choices had a bit of romance; thus, this week’s topic.

I refreshed my memory with a few online lists and admittedly, was unfamiliar with or just didn’t like what I was seeing.

So this list, although partial; is mine.

Peruse this list; if you click the dark pink links you can watch any trailer you like.

Feel free to add some of yours in the comment section;

I’d really love to know.

The obscure;

Ladyhawke

Epic Romance Films;

Dr. Zhivago

The one that he named!

Titanic

Typical fare;

Dirty Dancing

The Notebook

The unexpected;

The Lord of the Rings; with all of its romances inside!

My all time favorite movies ever!

Aragorn and Arwyn

Sam and Rosie

Eowyn and Farimir

Gollum and his Precious

And of course, no romantic movie listing would be complete with out Julia Roberts!

Pretty Woman

My Best Friends Wedding

Notting Hill

An Officer and a Gentleman

There you have it.

My list is complete.

Which titles would you like to add?

Until next time …

Take a Chance

I’ve been reading lately about how to make this blog a better place to visit.

My first thought, long ago, was to tell my personal story, then use it to help some to crawl out of the pit that they, or someone else, dug for them.

Camera Photos 6-12 - Deb age 4 and 7 003

I have for many years, off and on, written random and not so random things in journals. I’ve kept them all, even shared bits and pieces of them, in an attempt to help others.

2019-02-19 11.29.59-1

 

From there I went on to showing people the value of some quiet in their life, and hopefully, helping them to create some for their own.

Next came the photographs that I so love to take.

Some have been made into my little films, calendars, puzzles and coffee table books.

13aug2017 (1)

Now I’m even thinking of, gulp, my religious and political leanings.

I must say, I hate confrontation of any kind.  (Confrontation there would most likely be!)

The prolonged temper tantrum I see all around makes me angry, and quite frankly, sick to my stomach. This is not to mention that it intimidates me a lot.

Tantrum.jpg

What do I do?

What would You do?

What would you like to see here?

What would make you want to come back?

I’ve been a blogger off and on since 2008.  I’m still not happy with where I am, but I am also not compelled to quit.

All the years of processing cannot be for nothing. Can I ask? Where have your processes taken you? Would you care to share in the comments?

There. It’s out there. My fears. My questions.

Do I pick just one topic, hope for the best, and stay comfy and safe?

Can comfy and safe really change the world?

 

 

 

Don’t Give Up!

Back in September, we read  David’s story

It was a story about loss, and persistence, and restoration.

Here it is again, in a nutshell;

David – Returned home to find that his entire village had been destroyed. Not one living thing was left, not one building standing. His wife and children were taken away, and he had no way of knowing whether they were alive or dead. Here’s what David (and his men) did. You can read this account in 1 Samuel 30. Here’s what he did –

1. He wept bitterly, until all of his strength was gone.

2. He then found strength in the Lord his God.

3. He inquired of the Lord to see what he should do (He prayed)

4. He took a portion of his men with him and pursued the enemy. He got EVERYTHING back, and then some. God honored the fact that he did not quit, but that he and a small number believed God could restore. (Nation, Families, Finances, Churches)

Now here is another story, this time about Daniel;

Daniel – Chapter 9. Now Daniel finished reading the scrolls and saw that the captivity was coming to an end. He could have said hip-hip-hooray and stopped praying, but he didn’t. He didn’t stop crying out to God, he called out to God what He had already promised! Three things he did –

1. He repented, for his sin AND the sin of his people.

2. He interceded. He took the promises of God’s word and brought them before Him all the more.

3. He gave thanks. He gave thanks for what He had done and what He would do. He thanked Him for His promises and covenants.

Both of these men could have given up. They could have stopped. They could have taken the freedom God gave them, and hidden themselves away. They never would have gotten the promises of God fulfilled in their lives.

Instead, they were persistent. First in their belief that God would care for them, and then, in their tenacity to continue moving forward, through pain and loss, to receive the prize at the end of the line.

The questions here for you and I are these;

  1. Will we persist?
  2. Will we believe God?
  3. Will we go on until we reach the prize?

To be sure, there are prizes here on this earth that are worth fighting for, but in reality, they will all fade away.

My persistence will lead not only to some of these, but to the ultimate prize – Living in the Presence of God. In His kingdom. Forever.

Pretty sure of this am I?

Yes.

Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.  Matthew 6:33

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword?  Romans 8:35
You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.  Psalm 16:11

 

How about you?
Are you sure?

5 for 5 Brain Dump x 3

I’ve been gone for a while.

Honestly – Getting back to writing was a bit difficult.

I thought the best way to begin again, would be by doing the 5 for 5 Brain Dump.

Quite simply, it works.

If you don’t know what a Brain Dump is – You can go Here to Find Out.

5 for 5 prompt; I will speak of what is rumbling beneath my skin;

Our small group is studying a book by Louie Giglio called “Goliath Must Fall”.

Today in our small group, we talked about the fact that the world is constantly looking for conflict. It always seems to want to stir things up.

When all our hearts desire, is to have a little piece of peaceful real estate to call our own. A place where we can rest.

What causes the  notion to keep things stirred up? I don’t know, but can it be fear? Fear of what? Maybe fear of what we will find there in that quiet space? Fear that what we find there will be too much? Too much grief? Too much sickness? Too much pain? Too much sorrow? Too much unforgiveness? Too much lack of hope? Any or all of these things we may find in the quiet.

When we find that “Whatever” there, we have to make a choice. We can either bury it back up again or, we can choose to face it. Toe to toe. Face to face. Head to head. That, my loves, is a fearful thing. But I can tell you that in my experience, the more difficult choice, is by far the better choice. This choice, to face the fear, leads to freedom.

If you remember back in the days of cameras with film, then you know that once the film is exposed, it is ruined for further use. It cannot be rewound and used again.

Facing the fear of what is holding on to your soul, and seeing it for what it is, is like that film. It can’t be used against you again. (Unless you let it!)

Fear is like a mouse with a megaphone. It shouts and shouts, but only has the power you give to it.

I know I’m mixing my metaphors here, but I want you to understand.

Re-using the film, is an illusion, and the mouse? Well he holds no power whatsoever. We only need see his real size, and ignore his rants.

I’m so grateful for the time I get to spend in quiet solitude, having a chance to expose the film, and recognize the the size of that mouse, for it has made me truly free.