Tag Archive | Grief

How Long Will I be Haunted?

It is concert season.

Orchestra and band concerts.

Chorus concerts of every ilk.

Solos and group performances.

All concerts. All the time.

So many that they often run together.

The thing that makes them special is WHO is performing.

In my case, all seven of my grandchildren love music of some sort.

They know that when they look out, they will see their Gramma and Grampa there.

A few weeks back, at one of the many concerts we attended, I heard a song that haunts me still.

I had never heard it before, so when I got home I looked it up.

It turns out it came from ‘Les Miserables; which I have never seen. (I know, I know)

Empty Chairs at Empty Tables.

The song about a group of friends that sit at a corner table, and consider their futures. There is talk of a revolution and a new born world.

As I said, I never saw the show, so I don’t know why, but their future never came.

Unfathomable grief, when he lives, but his friends die.

So what is it that haunted me?

Well the survivors grief of course; the remembering of a future now, suddenly, gone.

But perhaps even more than that, for me, is the realization of how much time that can be wasted.

How many ideas and dreams I can talk myself out of.

I can’t. I won’t. I don’t want to. I’m too tired. I too something…..

It has spurred me on a bit.

To not let those ideas and dreams in my head go to waste.

Many times, I have missed a window. A time made expressly for one certain thing.

Fortunately, my dreamer friends are still alive and in tact, and we encourage each other whenever possible.

But tomorrow, as the song tells us, is not promised to any one.

So we need to stay awake. Stay on task. Consider the future, and run toward it.

Survivors grief would be horrible for certain, but can you imagine how much worse it would be if you had not really lived your life?

If you have not pursued your dreams?

If you survive, then don’t waste the sacrifice of those that went before.

They helped create your ideas. They even helped you dream your dreams.

Continue to carry the flame, even if you’re wanting to give up.

Heartbeat – Let Your Heart Not Be Troubled

*

These words have been on my heart for a while.

I believe they are key to our survival in this place that is not our home.

Lately, I have noticed them every where.

In movies.

In people’s speech.

In photographs.

And digging their roots deeper into my heart with each passing day.

They are the heart of God.

The words are His.

Written to us in a love letter.

Won’t you click the links and let them seed themselves into your heart as well?

Do not let your hearts be troubled.

3:00 – 3:20

Do not let your hearts be troubled.

2:30 – 4:04

Do not let your hearts be troubled.

3:52 – 3:50

There is much in this world that would cause us to be afraid.

We must be strong and courageous,

not afraid.

We must not let our hearts be troubled.

*

You are fearfully and wonderfully made.

Significant Encounters; Death of a Dream

In this post – http://wp.me/p1Deai-FE – Fingerprints, Heartbeats and Fresh Fruit – I said that “my past is not where I want to go, or stay” but I will need some examples from there to describe the journey to here.

I had a dream once, a big one. That dream was that my Mom and I would be in ministry together.

Her heart was to reach out to those who the world considered unlovely, to let them know that there was a Creator God who loved them so much, that He would wait for them to hear His still small voice, and come to Him for all their needs. He is infinitely patient, infinitely kind, and infinitely loving.

She told people that. She shared His love with them over and over until they got it. In essence, she was being just like Him.

Little did we know that her diagnosis in September, just six days after 9/11, would bring her to her eternal rest by Thanksgiving.

Her care fell to me, since we lived the closest to her. My new grandson, whom I was babysitting for, and I took the 40 mile trek every day to stay with her in her own home. In the evenings, the sweet ladies in her church stayed with her. Overnights became a nightmare for her, and it was decided that she would come and stay in our home until the inevitable happened.

Holy Spirit stayed with us too. He was a constant comfort as care became more and more difficult. The pastor from the local Hospice mentioned that the spirit in our home was different than most she encountered in homes with these circumstances. I was doing fine.

Mom’s funeral was the day before Thanksgiving. It was lovely. God’s love and an invitation to know Him were of course included at her request.

The following day, we emptied most of her home. An empty house in her neighborhood was just asking for trouble. I was doing fine.

The next little while was full of learning how to do things without having her along. I knew we were “Sidekicks”, but I never really knew how much.

Adjusting to her absence was not going to be easy, but, I was doing fine.

I had never experienced grief that closely before, so I really did not know what to be looking for. One by one, one thing at time, I began to have symptoms, strange symptoms. I ignored each one, until they could not be ignored any more. Lying on the floor, barely able to move from the pain, I knew it was time to get something done. I went with a list of 32 different symptoms to my doctor. I was not doing fine.

He said alone, all these symptoms seemed like nothing, but together, they became something, his tentative diagnosis was Fibromyalgia, for which he began to medicate me for. To no avail, I was still not fine.

After literally months with no relief in sight, and a recommendation from my gynecologist, I decided to leave the doctor I had known for all of my adult life, and go to one she knew personally, who would look further into what might be happening to me.

With a new doctor in tow, we began a long process of testing and testing and more testing, until finally the problem was found. The main problem was my thyroid. I was going to be fine.

That being found out, the medication began. It was about a year long process to find the right medicine with the right dosage level things out. When I asked him how a thyroid gets all wonky in the first place, he was quick to tell me that a number of things could cause it, but in most cases, it is due to some sort of trauma, a car accident, loss of a job, family trouble.  Had I experienced any trauma? When I gave him my laundry list of symptoms, he said “That would do it!”

All this to say, a death of any sort, whether it be a close friend or family member, or the death of a dream or a way of life, and in some cases even grieving the lost of a childhood, it must be grieved. If it is not grieved, it can turn on your insides, and eat you up, one symptom at a time.

That was 12 years ago, and now, I am doing fine. There have been a few traumas since, but Holy Spirit has taught me step by step, how to grieve them, and release them to Him so they cannot do the same damage as before.

My Significant Encounter came at a time when I had no other options. I did not know where to look. God gave me the proper people with the proper knowledge, at the proper time, a time when I could acknowledge my lack of ability to “Do fine”.

My Significant Encounter came in the form of these doctors who went above and beyond the call, so to speak, to find the answer to the riddle that was locked inside my body and actually causing it to attack itself.

Proverbs 17:22 (KJV) says this, A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones.

Keep your eyes, heart and spirit open for that Significant Encounter, the one that will change everything.

Perhaps the most Significant Encounter of all, will be the one where you encounter Jesus, and invite Him in to help make you “Do fine”.

Related reading;

http://wp.me/p1Deai-cE  – Significant Encounters Friday

http://wp.me/p1Deai-tW – Distracted Encounters

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Psalms 139:13-16  For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

16 Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.