Tag Archive | Personal

Part Two – Growing Up Churched (2/3)

Mar8

Thou Shalt Not

There was one thing I heard clearer than anything else during those early morning church services.

Thou shalt not.

I heard the words the Pastor was reading from the Holy Bible kept on the pulpit. I heard the Thou shalt nots, and that the payment for sin is death. I believed those words.

I still do. But he was telling me the thou shalt nots, without a word about how not to. Basically, he was telling me what to think, without teaching me how to think. What I never heard was just how to not do the Thou shalt nots, or how to receive forgiveness for my ill doing.

Surely, God didn’t punish little girls with the death penalty, right? But how could I know? Since they never told me (or I never heard) I only knew for sure that I was a wrong-doer.

I heard the words God so loved the world, but to me they were overshadowed by all of my wrongness. How could He love someone who was just so wrong?

Fast forward again, to when I was that young mother, going to that different church with my children, without their daddy.

It was there that I began to understand my Father’s (God’s) love for me. How it extended much farther than I could have ever believed.

The story of my earthly father is for another day. Suffice to say that our relationship made it very difficult for me to understand that “love” could be any other way.

John 1:12 (ESV) but to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God. All God wanted was for me to receive Him.

The wrongness of my childhood was nothing in His eyes. It only mattered that I look to Him for guidance.

The choice was mine. Wait. I get to choose? I had never even known that there were options. My wrongness, just was. It was what it was.

I had an encounter with a woman at this time, which I barely knew.

Here is what she said;

“When I see you, I see a chalkboard. This chalkboard says that 2 + 2 = 5. No matter what you do, or how many times you erase it, you cannot get the answer to come out correctly.”

What she told me next, totally floored me.

“God wants you to know that it wasn’t your fault.”

What? I knew at that moment that all my wrongness, was not my fault, I just had not been given all the facts.

On that day I received three things; Freedom from wrongness, choices, and a Father who loved me regardless.

It was then I realized that I would be in a totally different “classroom” being taught in a way that I could learn.

Oh what a glorious day!

 

Part One – Growing Up Churched (1/3)

Mar7

 

Where Do I Fit In?

When I was growing up, we always attended one of the Lutheran churches in town.

Now I have no problem with the Lutheran church, per se. There are different kinds of people with different preferences, I get that.

But as a small child, I only knew that I would be required to sit, for an hour, and not talk. If I could not maintain stillness, I was sure to receive a painful pinch on the shoulder, or an elbow in my side. Even as an adult this sitting “still” is difficult for me. I can always sit, just not still, and I get to choose whether I speak or not.

Back in the day, every one really dressed up for church, but there was nothing finer than attending on a cool Easter morning, men in their suits and women and girls in all their finery. Springy dresses, bonnets, white gloves and the ever present white patent leather shoes.

None of which we had.

We wore the cleanest, not worn out clothing that we owned. I could feel the heat of the stares on my back as we walked up the aisle to our seats. It always seemed that we were less than, imperfect, those without.

Our dad never attended, even on those special days of Christmas or Easter. Often we would be dropped off, and picked up later. His absence was yet another thing that was my fault. My little mind imagined that in my wrongness.

I was often wrong at home. Every day I was wrong at school. Now here at the one place I should be right, I was wrong as well.

My hair was wrong, my clothes were wrong, our family minus our dad was wrong. Every church service simply proved more to me about my wrongness.

Fast forward, to when I was a young mother, going to a different church with my children, but not with my husband, where I felt the same burning heat on my back as we entered into a room with all the “perfect” people, all the “perfect” families all sitting perfectly still, in “perfect” little rows.

What on earth was wrong with me?

Was there anywhere I (and now my children) could fit in?

5 for 5 Brain Dump – Momentum Monday

Feb26
This 5 for 5 Brain Dump, was written on February 19, 2018. Momentum Monday.
First I’ll share what I wrote, then show you some of the steps I’m taking. Feel free to comment anything helpful for me to keep my momentum, and to help you to reach your goals as well.

 

Here is what I wrote, 5 for 5 Brain Dump style. If you don’t know what 5 for 5 Brain Dump is, Click here to find out more about it. 

(Note; The scriptures added later)

My biggest goal , all over seems to be that of helping people to access the quiet place inside of them. To help them disconnect from their fear, and and to have an understanding that the past is over.  It helped create who they are, for better or for worse, but it does not need to, nor can it, hold them hostage, unless that is a choice that they themselves make.

My approach my be different than some, but it is MY approach. Everyone is different, so this is not carved in stone. For ME, my approach has been 99.9% effective.

What it requires from me, is focus. It requires remembering who God says I am, what He thinks of me;

(Psalm 139:13-16 (ESV) For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.

and keeping His goals for me, always in front of my eyes.

Jeremiah 29:11 (ESV) For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

With Him, all things are possible.

Luke 18:27 But he said, “What is impossible with man is possible with God.”

(99.9%, because only He is perfect)

The way I keep what He thinks of me alive in my heart and mind, is to revisit this scripture, over and over. Whenever I sense the “overwhelm” moving back in, I return to my comfy chair by the window, and re-read (or even listen online) once, twice, three times, how ever many times it takes, until my heart lightens.

The way I learn about what He wants for my life, often takes place in the same physical space, quieting myself, reading my Bible, quiet music, (no words, they distract) and taking note of any thoughts that come to mind – big or small!

The way that we know it is possible with Him, is that the Word says so. My belief is that either God is telling the truth, or He’s a liar (or a mad man) and I do not believe the last two at all.

In the world that we live in, there is little or no place for quiet. We must carve out that space for ourselves.

Now, some are afraid or uncomfortable with quiet because they either are not accustomed to it, or they may even be afraid of what they might “hear”.

The world is running so fast, that even if we want to slow down, it is a most difficult thing to do.

Here is my shameless plug. Shameless, because I believe it works. Shameless because I want to share the value of what I call “Quietude”.

I’m sharing a link to a page I’ve created to help those of you who wish, to have a small space to begin their journey into Quietude.

May you find peace, and rest for yourself. You’re worth it.

A quiet place for your soul.

Thanks for reading.

Thanks for letting me share.